"'Housewives' bitchslap!" cried our forums poster "Professor Chaos" when he observed the list of nominees just announced for the awards to be bestowed by the Television Critics of America in July.

"Whoa, no 'Arrested Development'!" added "Atypical." "A couple of shows missed out on noms, it seems."

Actually, it's not surprising that "Desperate Housewives" got snubbed, not really. As an associate member of TCA, I can report first-hand what occurred at Press Tour two years ago when ABC introduced the show to critics. That testosterone-blinded wolf pack (more than 80 percent of the group is male) shrugged off "Desperate Housewives" as a silly soaper for chicks. Months later when it became a breakout national TV obsession, the critics jumped on its bandwagon briefly and begrudgingly admitted its greatness, then jumped off and started bashing it.

The TCA Award nominees just announced are more typical of the kind of TV fare critics usually like — and reward: 'tude-heavy programs and stars appealing to guys' hormonal need to rebel and mock authority ("The Colbert Report," "Daily Show," "My Name Is Earl," "Prison Break," "Everybody Hates Chris"). Oh, yeah, and their hormonal need to do something else, too ("Big Love" is up for best new program of the year).

As usual, there's a token tip of the hat to female-friendly TV. "They continue the tradition of citing the single woman alongside the four other menfolk," notes Atypical, referring to the fact that only one woman got cited among the five nominees for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Comedy (Lauren Graham, "Gilmore Girls") and Drama (Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer").

Here's the full list of contenders:

OUTSTANDING NEW PROGRAM OF THE YEAR
"Big Love," HBO
"The Colbert Report," Comedy Central
"Everybody Hates Chris," UPN
"My Name Is Earl," NBC
"Prison Break," Fox

PROGRAM OF THE YEAR
"Grey's Anatomy," ABC
"Lost," ABC
"The Office," NBC
"The Sopranos," HBO
"24," Fox

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN DRAMA
"Grey's Anatomy," ABC
"House," Fox
"Lost," ABC
"The Sopranos," HBO
"24," Fox

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Photo: Cheer up, Chris! The TV Critics of America don't hate you! Just Desperate Housewives!
(UPN)

"No 'Desperate Housewives' among the top five" nominees for best comedy series at the Emmys, predicts our bold forums poster "MicheBel." What a shocking — but fascinating — thought! Could it really happen to the smash hit TV series?

Yes. Serialized series have always been disadvantaged at the Emmys when evaluated by judging panels whose members may not be familiar with the shows' various, meandering plots. But MicheBel believes it'll be snubbed for another reason: it's not good enough anymore, she claims.

Balderdash! No, "Desperate Housewives" didn't reach the same heights this year that it did during its debut season, but I firmly believe it's still magnificent, still one of the best shows on the tube nowadays. If producers submit the brilliant, two-hour season finale, I can't possibly imagine "Desperate Housewives" being usurped by a half-hour sitcom in the final lineup of five nominees.

But I've been wrong before and now MicheBel has caused an uproar in our message boards by posing such a provocative question. Basically, she maintains that "DH" will be snubbed because it's sagging in quality while pitted against too many great alternatives — like "Arrested Development," "Boston Legal," "Entourage," "Everybody Hates Chris," "Gilmore Girls," "My Name Is Earl," "The Office" and "Weeds."

Photo: The housewives ended up fighting (playfully) backstage over Felicity Huffman's Emmy statuette last year when TV's hottest new show lost best comedy series to the departing previous champ "Everybody Loves Raymond."
(ATAS)

Many TV critics consider the cancellation of Lisa Kudrow's "The Comeback" after just one season to be one of the great tragedies of the past TV season. Under normal circumstances, Kudrow would probably now have little hope of nabbing an Emmy nomination for best comedy actress as a consolation prize considering all those Desperate Housewives in the running plus automatic returnees like Jane Kaczmarek ("Malcolm in the Middle") and Debra Messing ("Will & Grace"), red-hot newbies like Mary-Louise Parker ("Weeds") and one star outrageously overdue for a shot — Lauren Graham ("Gilmore Girls").

But there's a new voting system this year that benefits underdogs like Kudrow if she picks the right sample "Comeback" episode to be weighed by judges who will decide the five nominees based upon submissions made by the 15 actresses getting the most votes from TV academy members checking off a popular ballot.

Considering the obvious quality of "Comeback," the fact that it was produced by HBO and praised by TV critics, plus Kudrow's starpower and previous track record with Emmy voters (she was the first of the "Friends" to win), it's very likely that she'll land on the Top 15 list. Once there, if she picks her episode wisely, she might not only make the final 5, but she could actually, egads, win!

Being a juried award after the first round of voting, the Emmy, historically speaking, has proven to be a fair contest thereafter, oblivious to Nielsen ratings and even to whether a contender's TV show is alive or dead. Stars of many axed series have won in past years, including James Earl Jones ("Gabriel's Fire"), Jonathan Winters ("Davis Rules"), Alex Rocco ("The Famous Teddy Z"), Michael Learned ("Nurse") and Ron Leibman ("Kaz").

Heck, William Windom not only won best comedy actor for "My World and Welcome to It," but his nixed program won best comedy series over "Room 222" (winner of best new series, a category that no longer exists), "The Bill Cosby Show," "Love, American Style" and "The Courtship of Eddie's Father." One year earlier Hope Lange won best comedy actress after NBC cancelled "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir," but her Emmy victory convinced ABC to pick up the series and try it again. It flopped the next year, too, but Lange won a second Emmy just weeks after her show was cancelled for a second time.

So, considering that Kudrow is clearly a serious contender now, what episode of "Comeback" should she choose? Three are under consideration by her and HBO, but I believe that one clearly towers over the others based upon the three factors Emmy voters traditionally look for when judging actors' submissions: broad emotional range, impact (at least one big money scene) and sympathy (or empathy) for the character portrayed.

Below, see how the three episode choices break down based upon these factors. If you disagree with my appraisal (or, heck, even if you agree), click on the link at the end of this posting to offer your own opinion or to see what our forum posters think.

1.) — "Valerie Gets a Very Special Episode" — Although she was once a major lead star, Valerie Cherish (Kudrow) is now stuck portraying a goofy sidekick on a new TV sitcom, but she's thrilled to find out that her role will soon be the chief focus of one whole episode. Meantime, TV cameras for another program, a reality TV show about Valerie's personal life, follow her everywhere, including to the sitcom set where she gives a delightfully zany performance, then learns that the network has killed her episode and put the whole series on hold for four weeks to retool.

EMOTIONAL RANGE: Lots. We see her excited, funny (her sitcom scene with a beaver coat is a camp highlight), worried and, ultimately, devastated.

IMPACT: The money scene comes when she finds out that her special episode was nixed because the network thought it was "'Sex and the City' meets 'Cocoon.'" She takes the news on the chin at first, saying to the TV reality cameras, "That's TV for ya! If it ain't broke, break it and then fix it!" but she fights back tears moments later when she gets a cell phone call from Tom Selleck accepting her offer to do a guest role in that episode.

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Photo: Both TV Guide and Entertainment Weekly insist Lisa Kudrow deserves an Emmy bid for best TV comedy actress in HBO's cancelled "The Comeback." A nomination and — egads — a win would be sweet revenge for a savvy TV series originally cheered by some TV critics as a real winner.
(HBO)

Since "Entourage" wasn't nominated for best comedy at last year's Emmys, fans probably now shrug off its chances. But, wait! There's a new voting system — which means there's suddenly new hope!

No big surprise that "Entourage" failed to get a best-series bid under the old system. Nominees used to be determined by a popular vote of 12,000 academy members (older industry chaps mostly), who don't watch those kiddie TV shows and look scornfully upon the cocky young actors of dubious talent like the series' lead character Vince Chase (Adrian Grenier), his annoying entourage of honking lackeys and Ari (Jeremy Piven), Vince's ruthless, Gucci-wrapped, profanity-barking agent. Those are exactly the types of people voters hate the most.

But this year voters must watch a full episode of "Entourage" if it lands in the top 10 vote-getters after the initial popular vote, which it will certainly do considering how few decent comedies are on the tube and the fact that red-hot HBO produces this one, which has been nommed twice for best comedy at the Golden Globes. Once on that Top 10 List, "Entourage" must submit a sample episode to the new judging panels, which guarantee contenders that their work will be seen by all voters.

So we must wonder: once voters finally watch "Entourage," will they like it as much as TV critics and industry hipsters? Or at least like it enough to make it one of the five nominees for best comedy series?

That depends on which episode HBO submits to judges. Best guess: "Exodus," which is its best episode ever — so dynamic and explosive that it could earn Piven an Emmy for best supporting actor. "Exodus" has a key element offering awards hope at last: humility.

Finally, we see ego-mad Ari get his comeuppance when he launches a secret coup to take over his talent agency, but fails when colleagues refuse to rally to his side. Ambushed by his corporate foe in front of the staff, Ari roars at everyone, "You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years and you all know that when I go, in no time you'll be repping nobodies like Bill from 'The Apprentice.' No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply: to make everyone who is in on the grand floor rich and to burn this motherf**king place to the ground!"

"Lloyd, are you with me?" he asks his usually fawning assistant, a well-groomed Asian-American chap who doesn't respond at first, freaking Ari out. Privately, Lloyd whispers to Ari the terms of his support: "Swear to me that you'll never again say anything offensive about my race or my sexual orientation!"

Of course, that weasel Ari can't oblige. "I can't swear to that," he admits, "but I can promise that I'll always apologize!"

Good enough for Lloyd. Together they march out of the office indignantly, only to discover Ari's cell phone is already shut off and his $80,000, company-owned Mercedes confiscated.

Next, Ari's flameout is nuclear. He rages at a car attendant: "Ernesto, half of Mexico is eating off of the money I've given you for Christmas tips for the past 10 years. Bring my motherf**king car now!" But Ernesto refuses and Ari responds by slamming a fist into a cement pillar, busting his hand, yelping (profanity, of course) in pain.

Meantime, Ari's former client Vince is suddenly hurting, too, when it's revealed in the episode's B-story line that his galpal Mandy Moore — yes, the real Mandy of the Disney channel cult — is cheating on him with her ex. The handsome, filthy rich young actor gets dumped, the poor lad, but, hallelujah, he's still got the love and support of those boot-licking lackeys who haven't stopped leeching off him ever since they left their old Queens, New York, neighborhood.

Normally, the arrogance of "Entourage" would doom it at the Emmys where voters refuse to suffer diva antics. One particularly revealing — and parallel — award race comes to mind. Ten years ago Kathy Bates was considered a shoo-in to win best supporting actress in a TV film for "The Late Shift." Her flamboyant portrayal of Jay Leno's notoriously evil, foul-mouthed agent Helen Kushnick was even more loudly cheered by TV critics than Piven's contemporary update. But Bates suffered a stunning upset, losing to Greta Scacchi as Russian Tsarina Alexandra in HBO's "Rasputin."

There was one key difference between Helen and Ari that may account for the Emmy upset. While both evil agents got crushed by opponents, Helen didn't accept defeat and appear transformed by it. However, Ari did — even if it was only the liquor talking after he bummed a humiliating ride home in his assistant's Hyundai.

Humility is the key. Candice Bergen managed to win five Emmys as best comedy actress for playing one of the most stuck-up characters on TV, but she prevailed again and again because Murphy Brown got knocked off her high horse in all five episodes that Candice submitted to Emmy judges.

Hmmmm. Looks like "Entourage" and Jeremy Piven are suddenly major Emmy players this year! Do you agree? Click here to join the discussion in our forums.

Photo: Hold the phone! "Entourage" has already been voted best TV comedy series — by the Producers Guild of America five months ago.
(HBO)

At its outset, the 2006 Cannes Film Festival pledged to put special focus on new works by promising rookies. Artistic director Thierry Fremaux even made it sound like the Riviera institution was forced to: "This year we had to open the doors and windows to try and let in some new talent."

Just two days ago the Hollywood Reporter announced that one newbie might actually be a frontrunner for the Palme d'Or, a race the tradepaper — and just about every other media watcher — believed was a close one between two Hispanic players. Even though director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu ("Amores Perros," "21 Grams") is no movie rookie, he was competing at the fest for the first time. His "Babel," starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett, squared off against "Volver" by old Cannes fave Pedro Almodovar, who won best director in 1999 for "All About My Mother." Almodovar ended up winning the screenplay prize this year while the helmer's honors went to Inarritu.

This year's Palme d'Or winner turned out to be, as usual, a surprise, and not one hailing new talent. It went to an eight-time past nominee (and loser), who's back now with "The Wind That Shakes the Barley" — Ken Loach.

Definitely, a surprise, considering what some critics thought of "Barley." Variety's review was mixed: "Two Irish brothers are torn apart by the anti-Brit rebellion of the '20s in a studiously sincere film by veteran helmer Ken Loach and scripter Paul Laverty in which the human drama increasingly gets lost in the political. Though tastily lensed by ace d.p. Barry Ackroyd and with a convincing cast led by Cillian Murphy, essentially small-scale pic lacks the involving sweep of Loach's earlier historical-political yarn, 'Land and Freedom,' and looks likely to reap only modest returns in general arenas."

There's a good chance that the Cannes jury members gave "Barley" extra points because they liked its message about modern global politics. "From the one-dimensional way in which the thuggish Black and Tans are portrayed, it's pretty clear Loach and Laverty also have in mind a much more contemporary example of a foreign power sending in troops to a less-developed country and brutalizing its recalcitrant inhabitants," Variety added. "As Damien is finally convinced to stay and fight, pic looks like it will develop into a smart parallel between waning British imperialism of the last century and U.S. foreign policy of the present."

Loach acknowledged the link in his acceptance speech, saying, "Our film is a little step in the British confronting their imperialist history. Maybe if we tell the truth about the past we can tell the truth about the present."

Frankly, the Hollywood Reporter was foolish to try predicting the winner of the Palme d'Or, which is usually a jawdropper. Last year western journalists paid too much attention to "A History of Violence" and "Sin City." The Palme d'Or champ came out of the blue: "L'Enfant" by the Dardenne brothers.

Three years ago, western media was preoccupied with "Dogville," "Mystic River," "The Swimming Pool" and "The Barbarian Invasions," thus failing to foresee the surprise victory by "Elephant."

But losing the Palme d'Or was probably a good thing for "Babel," if it deserves all of the early Oscar buzz it's getting. Only one of Cannes' top champs ever went on to win the Oscar for best picture: "Marty."

"The Wind That Shakes the Barley" won Cannes' Palme d'Or award by unanimous vote, according to jury chief Wong Kar Wei.
(Sixteen Films)

Next year the Golden Globes will remain on a Monday night in order to steer clear of those "Desperate Housewives" who crushed them in the ratings in 2005. Ceremony date: Jan. 15, 2007. Nominations will be unveiled on Dec. 14.

Two years ago the Grammys were so disappointed in drawing only 18.8 million viewers opposite the Housewives that they moved from Sunday to Wednesday night, but, alas, that professional music competition got clobbered by a popular amateur music contest — "American Idol." While "Idol" pulled 28.7 million viewers last February, the Grammys dropped further down — to 17 million. Apparently, Grammy chiefs prefer to duke it out with the Housewives. The music awards are moving back to a Sunday night, Feb. 11, in 2007. For the fourth year in a row they will be held in Los Angeles. Noms will be announced on Dec. 7.

OK, my fellow kudos nuts: here's your tough test to reveal how well you know your Tonys trivia. (To respond, or to see others' replies to these questions, click on the "Comments" link below.) First, let's start with a gimme.

1.) Which musical has won the most Tonys (12)? "Grand Hotel," "Hello, Dolly," "The King & I," "Mame," "My Fair Lady," "Nine," "Phantom of the Opera," "Oklahoma," "The Producers" or "West Side Story"?

2.) Five plays are tied for having won the most (5). Cite them from this list: "Angels in America: Millennium Approaches," "Amadeus," "Child's Play," "Death of a Salesman," "Equus," "Glass Menagerie," "Long Day's Journey Into Night," "The Odd Couple," "A Man for All Seasons," "The Real Thing," "Torch Song Trilogy," "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

3.) Which actor has won the most (5)? Julie Andrews, Brian Bedford, Richard Burton, Alfred Drake, Boy George (kidding!), Julie Harris, Angela Lansbury, Margaret Leighton, Rual Julia, Mary Martin, Audra McDonald, Chita Rivera, Jason Robards Jr., Phil Silvers or Gwen Verdon?

Photo: Angela Lansbury holds a few Tony records — she's hosted the Tonycast the most times (4) and is the award's biggest undefeated champ. But did she also win the most awards over all? Shown here in her Tony turn as Mrs. Lovett in "Sweeney Todd." Patti LuPone is nominated now for the same role — will she win?
(Nederlander Organization)

"Off with her head!" the folks in France seemed to cry at Cannes when they finally saw the much-buzzed-about "Marie-Antoinette" by Sofia Coppola on Wednesday. Frankly, I've been saying that for years. Why is anyone surprised that her newest film is such a royal waste of time that it's actually being booed by fest-goers?

Please suffer a rare rant from me. I try not to impose my opinions of films onto readers when wearing my awards-expert hat. (Sure, I've done that in our message boards — that's different — not in straightforward mainstream articles.) But now I feel vindicated at last and want this chance to crow.

One bad thing about my job is having to bite my tongue and stop from shrieking, "Are you Oscar voters insane?" when writing about the likely award success of gawdawful movies — nay, obvious frauds — that are being hyped ferociously by wolf packs of Hollywood phonies with a secret selfish agenda.

Like "Lost in Translation" — easily one of the most amateurish, overhyped, poorly written, pretentious pix of all time. When the ridiculous hoopla over that film finally died down after Oscar season three years ago, I knew that it was only a matter of time that her lack of talent would catch up to her and everyone would finally admit the obvious: Sofia makes lousy movies.

So what was behind all that "Lost in Translation" gushing? I think some people with selfish motives wanted to like the movie so much that they blinded themselves to how bad it was. Like women. Most female film critics I know went ga-ga over it and I think I know why. "Translation" peddled the lie that straight men care about women as pals, respect them as equals and are really interested in what they have to say. In other words, men aren't faking it till they find just the right moment to pounce, screw and then roll over.

In "Translation" Bill Murray — amazingly! — doesn't put the moves on Scarlett Johansson as they lie in bed looking like dropped, exhausted rag dolls and she whines, "I just don't know what I'm supposed to be" in life! He takes her seriously and listens sincerely as she confesses, "I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre." He doesn't say what cynical members of the audience like me are thinking: "OK, good. At least you're honest with yourself. You're not artistic, so go flip burgers for a living, stop whining and do something productive with your life, for Chrissake, instead of looking out that damn hotel window every third scene of this terrible movie with that oh-I'm-so-lost pout on your pampered puss!" Really, "Translation" repeats that same oh-I'm-so-lost-looking-out-this-window scene so many times over and over that I had to fight the urge to jump up from my seat and scream at Scarlett up on that screen, "If you go to that window one more time with that pouty moonface I'm gonna push you out!"

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Photo: About "Marie-Antoinette" the New York Times says Coppola "doesn't seem to realize that what made this spoiled, rotten woman worthy of attention weren't her garden parties and fur-lined shoes, but the role she played in a bloody historical convulsion."
(Sony Pictures)

While 30 million TV viewers tuned in to the Fox network last night to decide who'll be the next "American Idol" champ, the current one was engaged in a cliffhanger contest over on CBS.

Carrie Underwood has had a helluva tough time breaking into the country music industry. Not into country music, no. Fans — most of them with Dixie accents — snatched up 3 million copies of her debut CD "Some Hearts" soon after it hit record stores last November, but she was hit by shocking resistance on the airwaves. Country radio stations refused to play her singles at first. That stubborn Good Ole Boy network was reluctant to embrace her as kin. Only when her videos started appearing on CMT (the cable channel shrewdly promoted her since she was a sexy new star made by TV) did Dixie deejays finally start spinning her records because, well, they had to. Their stations were getting deluged with phone calls from furious fans demanding to know what the problem was.

Carrie's victory last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards for "Jesus Take the Wheel" as Single of the Year truly seemed like a miracle, considering how the industry establishment spurned her at first. Of course, such sudden salvation struck her as divine intervention as she accepted the award tearfully, saying, "I wouldn't be here if God hadn't opened all the doors to me."

Tonight Carrie returns in triumph to the "American Idol" stage for the transfer of her crown to a new champ. But not before she sings her new single, "Don't Forget to Remember Me."

Photo: ACM Single of the Year winner "Jesus Take the Wheel" was the first single spun off of Carrie's debut album "Some Hearts." It reigned at number one on the charts for six weeks.
(Arista Records)

Why did it take the Tonys so long to announce final news about who will host, especially since the upshot turns out to be — nobody?

Days ago the Primetime Emmys — which will be presented on Aug. 27 — revealed that Conan O’Brien will emcee. Heck, the Tonys are only two and a half weeks away! Did it take that long for Oprah Winfrey to decide she really meant "no"?

Curiously, Hugh Jackman said that he wasn’t asked. Rumors swirled that the job might go to Billy Crystal or — no kidding — Katie Couric (the theory goes that CBS wants her to start earning that mega-paycheck right away). Why bother with any of them, though? The Golden Globes never have a host and they get three times the TV ratings that the Tonys do.

Besides, who needs Katie or Billy or Hugh when you've got Julia Roberts? That gracious, classy Oscar champ may have been snubbed by those meanies on the Tonys' nominating committee, but she's agreed to give someone else an award from the podium. Oh, yeah, and they also lined up Oprah to be a presenter, plus Glenn Close, Hank Azaria, Bernadette Peters, Liev Schreiber, Kyra Sedgwick, Mark Ruffalo, Julia Roberts, Eric McCormack, Ralph Fiennes, Cynthia Nixon, Martin Short, Alfre Woodward and Anna Paquin.