No Oscars expert is permitted to have a casual opinion on this hotly debated question: Which film really deserved to win best picture of 1998 — "Saving Private Ryan" or the one that pulled off a last-minute upset, "Shakespeare in Love"?
Beware: It's the most controversial Oscar question you can ask today. Every time it gets posed in The Envelope's message boards, a nuclear cyber-war erupts — and everybody gets burnt in the fallout.

As far as I'm concerned, the answer's obvious: "Shakespeare in Love" was clever, dramatic, richly imagined and brilliantly written and performed.
People who claim to prefer "Saving Private Ryan" are blinded, I say, by the starpower of its actors (Tom Hanks, Matt Damon) and director (Steven Spielberg) and overwhelmed by the BOOM-BANG-KABOOM of that magnificent opening segment on Omaha beach. They don't see through the paint-by-numbers plot or hear the one-dimensional characters recite dialog that would embarrass actors in an elementary-school play. The writer responsible for that travesty, Robert Rodat, eventually got exposed for his hack work. The only big movie he wrote afterward was that gawdawful "The Patriot," in which "no cliche was left unturned," noted TV Guide.
By comparison, "Shakespeare in Love" was penned by Tom Stoppard, arguably the greatest living playwright in the English language. He holds two records at the Tonys: most awards won by a play (7 for "The Coast of Utopia") and most victories for best play ( 4 - "Coast of Utopia," "The Real Thing," "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" and "Travesties"). He knows how to write fun commercial pix, too: he was the uncredited script doctor on "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."
"Shakespeare in Love's" Oscar-winning script is a masterwork full of perfect-pitch drama, intriguing mystery, crafty dialog, fascinating characters and jokes that dared to aim over the heads of 95 percent of its audiences, which never seemed to care or perhaps didn't even notice. They jammed theaters anyway, turning "Shakespeare" — zounds! — into a surprise hit. Oh, come on! It deserved the Oscar just for making the Bard sexy again!

But many gritty film critics — you know, the macho, unwashed, snarly pussed downtown type — love to blast away at "Shakespeare" because it's so, you know, "sappy." Movies full of unabashed romanticism must be punished and mocked by them because, frankly, those critics are incapable of feeling it and don't understand what it is.
Those are the kind of hyper-guy-guy critics who I love to hate because testosterone predictably blinds them to obvious things like the awful script of "Saving Private Ryan," which they don't notice while being lost in hormonal ecstasy over Spielberg's spectacular killing spree on screen. Sure, that was great action and cinematography, but that alone does not a movie make. Someday when those critics go, inevitably, to hell, I imagine they'll be held captive in a screening room, blindfolded, where Lucifer, at his most sinister, forces them to listen to the words of "Saving Private Ryan" running in the background.
PRIVATE REIBEN (Edward Burns): "Hey, Doc, I got a mother, all right? I mean, you got a mother. Sarge's got a mother. I mean, s**t, I bet even the captain's got a mother. (He turns and looks at Miller, who has a bemused expression on his face.) Well, maybe not the captain, but the rest of us got mothers!"
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Such clever wit must really be heard over and over and over again — for eternity — to be fully appreciated, don't you agree? Let's give those film critics exactly what they deserve.
Have I gotten you "Saving Private Ryan" fans all ticked off yet? Hope so. Having this fight is the fun part of being an Oscar expert. Load your "Private Ryan" rifles and let me have it right back! I dare ya! Click on the "Comments" link below.
(Photos: Miramax, DreamWorks)